


Wash the Sorrow From Off My Skin

by SlytherinKilljoy



Series: Is That Me or the Fear Talking? [2]
Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Abuse, And All Forms of It, Basically a story following Gakuhou from childhood to adulthood, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Minor Character Death, Self Harm, marital rape, very brief but mentioned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26351089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlytherinKilljoy/pseuds/SlytherinKilljoy
Summary: One in three of all abused children go on to become abusers themselves.Gakuhou knows abuse like the back of his hand.He’s been emotionally abused by his parents, physically and sexually abused by his wife, but that wasn’t the part that he’s the most ashamed of.It was the fact that he was just as bad as them, the way he hits his own son.His mother grabs him by the hair, jerking his head back. Gakuhou’s scalp screams in pain, but he keeps his blank smile plastered on his face, “One day you’ll have kids of your own, and you’ll understand.”“I don’t want to understand. I’m not like you.” Gakuhou speaks blandly. But the fear pounding through him is real. He won’t end up like them. He won’t hurt people.“Oh, you are, boy. You’re not a good person, you destroy everything you touch. You ruin everything and everyone.”“You’re not a good person, you destroy everything you touch.” Gakuhou remembers as he looks in the mirror every morning. He thinks of his son. And agrees.The tragic story of Gakuhou Asano, the mistakes he made and how he finally gets help and learns to fix them.Some people don’t deserve a happy ending. But they get it anyway.
Relationships: Akabane Karma/Asano Gakushuu, Asano Gakuhou/Karasuma Tadaomi, Asano Gakuhou/Original Character(s)
Series: Is That Me or the Fear Talking? [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1920973
Comments: 6
Kudos: 133





	1. Be Nice, Gakuhou

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wrote this fic because I was struggling with how to portray Gakuhou in my main fic. So this character study became over 5000 words long, and I’m really enjoying writing it so here it is! You don’t need to read my first fic to understand this though.

“Be nice, Gakuhou.” His mother tells him, on his first day of 1st grade. Her nails dig into Gakuhou’s shoulder. He keeps his head down as he nods.

“Yes mother.”

“If you’re not nice, I will find out.”

Gakuhou knows. 

His mom knows everything. She will find out everything. He can’t keep secrets, he can’t keep anything from her. Everything that is his is hers.

Even at 6 years old, he knows this.

He goes to school, smiles to the teacher and greets everyone. He helps his classmates, calls the girls pretty, and by the end of the day, becomes the most popular kid in class.

“Were you nice, Gakuhou?” His mother asks as she picks him up that afternoon.

He nods vigorously. Her expression darkens.

“Don’t lie to me, Gakuhou. I know you’re not a nice person. You’re a horrible person. Always have been. It’s alright though, mother will help you become a less hideous child.”

Her fingers tug on his hair, and his scalp screams out in pain. 

He muffles a whimper.

He thought he did good.

He was nice.

But no matter what he does, he can never be nice enough it seems.

Gakuhou is determined to try harder.

————————-

Gakuhou is 12 when he first kisses a boy.

It’s all very hush-hush, alone in the empty classroom while on clean up duty.

The other boy, Itsuki, is a different kind of nice. He’s loud, flirty, and boisterous in the way that Gakuhou is polite, popular, but more in a slightly more contained way.

Itsuki has been talking to him a lot lately, and giving him those flirtatious comments and secret smiles that are usually reserved to the girls.

They’re around that age where everyone gets a little love crazy.

Gakuhou is getting more attention from the girls, and with his strawberry blonde hair framing his lavender eyes, and his lean athletic frame, he knows he is most likely conventionally attractive.

But he feels nothing for girls, for the most part.

Though Itsuki...this feeling is different. 

(But his father has it beat into his head that different is bad. So he just crushes those feelings and ignores them.) 

Until Itsuki gently reaches out and places his fingers over his.

“Is this alright?” Itsuki asks, hesitantly. 

Gakuhou feels breathless, staring into Itsuki’s blue eyes, so passionate and bright.

“Yes.” He breathes out.

“Wanna kiss?” Itsuki grins.

Gakuhou nods.

His first kiss is heated, pinned against the wall with Itsuki fisting his hands in his shirt and Gakuhou’s legs entwined with his.

It’s a bit clumsy, but they are only 12, after all. 

And there’s an unspoken agreement between them not to speak of it to anyone. 

(Gakuhou is drowning in fear the minute he leaves the class though. He’s terrified his mother will find out somehow.)

Gakuhou has been forced to learn how to not fall for his mother’s manipulation. But even then, she still pushes and pushes until he’s forced to tell her everything. 

She checks his pockets when he comes home from school and looks through his backpack. Privacy isn’t a thing he’s ever had.

But this...his mother can’t figure this out.

He’s not a little kid anymore, he’s 12 years old.

This is his first act of rebellion.

The first time he’s ever dared to hide something from his parents.

———————

Itsuki and him enter junior high, and things there are kind of a mess.

Classes are more difficult, but on top of that, Gakuhou’s in quite a lot of extracurriculars. 

‘Be nice’ is ingrained into his very being at this point, so he can’t bring himself to say no when his classmates beg him to join basketball, tennis, and the karate team. If they need him on the team then he has no choice but to help them.

His popularity reaches new heights at junior high, but so does the toxicity. People no longer genuinely want to be friends with him, they just want to leech off his niceness.

“You’re too nice, Gakuhou.” Itsuki tells him, at the end of one hurried session of making out because Gakuhou has to leave to tutor yet another one of his classmates.

Gakuhou is ready to make another joke and get Itsuki to back off, but he’s tired. He’s so sick of being treated like a pushover despite being one of the strongest students in their grade.

So he looks Itsuki in the eye.

“I just act nice. I’m not actually nice, on the inside.” Gakuhou speaks quietly. His mother’s words ring through his head. 

The years of insults weighing him down.

“You’re despicable.”

“You’re disordered.”

“You ruin everything.”

Itsuki stares at him for a long moment.

Gakuhou’s heart pounds. He shouldn’t have told him that. He should have stayed silent—Gakuhou turns away.

Itsuki reaches for him, “Wait. Gakuhou, do you really think that?”

Gakuhou doesn’t meet his eyes. 

“You don’t—you’re plenty nice, Gakuhou.” Itsuki fumbles with his words, “You don’t need to act. You don’t need to do everything everyone tells you to do. You need to look out for yourself too.”

Gakuhou understands that. 

In theory.

It doesn’t apply to him though.

“I’m already selfish enough.” He says, hearing the echoes of his mother screaming at him for taking up so much space, eating so much food, and just for being such a burden in general.

He smiles at Itsuki before rushing off.

He doesn’t understand why Itsuki looks pained.

———————————

Itsuki and him study together, and it’s the most fun he’s ever had studying.

Sometimes he gets to go over to his house, and they can hold hands while they read their textbooks.

It’s when they’re studying that Itsuki gives him his nickname.

“You really love to learn, don’t you?” Itsuki teases, “You’re such a nerd. Your parents should have named you Gakushuu.”

Gakuhou rolls his eyes, “Like ‘to learn new things’?”

“Yep. I’m going to call you that. Gakushuu.”

“Don’t you dare.” Gakuhou warns, “Or I’ll call you Itsuka.”

“Like ‘fifth place?” Itsuki groans, “When will you let that joke go?”

It was an inside joke between them that Itsuki always ranked 5th in their highschool exams. Every single exam.

They get back to studying, occasionally calling each other by their new nicknames.

Their lighthearted teasing is a break from all the tensions at home, though.

His father isn’t as controlling as his mother, but he is always the one handling his punishments.

Gakuhou’s mother tends to over exaggerate to his father, and his father always listens to her. 

It always ending up with Gakuhou facing the whip.

The white scars lining his back aren’t known to anyone, not even Itsuki.

Itsuki is the only one Gakuhou lets look past his mask. And still, he doesn’t know everything.

That’s why Gakuhou is very careful. They make sure to only be intimate when they’re alone, and Gakuhou doesn’t mention Itsuki’s name to his parents ever. Despite his mother badgering him about who his friends are, what girls confessed to him that week, demanding to know their names.

He doesn’t know what will happen if his parents find out, but he doesn’t want to know.

———————————

Itsuki Masaomi, or Itsuka, the casual fling from when he was 12, has gotten much closer to him than he expected. 

So much closer.

They haven’t actually done anything, at the age of 17, neither of them are ready to have sex.

But they lie next to each other in bed, shirtless, with their hands faintly touching. They’re on a school overnight trip, and they get to share a hotel room. 

Itsuki sees his scars. The lash marks marring his back. And the cuts on his wrists.

Itsuki gets sad, so sad. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.” Itsuki tears up as he traces the scars on his back. Gakuhou just holds the other boy closer.

“One year.” Gakuhou whispers. “I’ll be out of that home in one year.”

“All the way in the US.” Itsuki reminds him. It’s been their chant for so long.

Both of them have gotten into Harvard on scholarships. It took a lot of hard work, but they made it. 

But the next day, when he heads home, he’s in serious trouble.  
————————————

The hickeys. They are very faint, on the base of his neck. With a shirt on, no one can see. But Gakuhou forgot his mother’s habit of randomly barging into his bathroom.

He jumps, only half dressed. His mother leans in and grabs him by the hair.

“Those disgusting marks. The Itsuki boy has them too. You were roommates, weren’t you.” His mother holds out a picture off of social media. It’s got Itsuki and Gakuhou smiling by a tourist attraction. It must have been candid, because both of them were smiling softly into each other’s eyes. The hickeys are probably not noticeable to anyone who doesn’t zoom in very close. Even then, only the ones on Itsuki are really noticeable.

Gakuhou grits his teeth, horror dawning on him. His mother knows. She knows.

The following screaming session ends with him shaking, arms clutched around him. She didn’t raise a hand against him, and yet he feels like he’s been punched.

He doesn’t get a lashing from his father.

For some reason, that makes him feel even more scared.

That means some other form of punishment is planned.

———————————-  
The next day, Gakuhou is introduced to the daughter of his father’s coworker.

“She’s a real looker. Even a queer like you will fall for her.” His father says, with a sharp gaze, “I expect you to date her and act like a proper gentleman. You’re already a disgrace to us, the least you could do is get over these unnatural tendencies.”

Gakuhou grits his teeth. He is a proper gentleman. Itsuki told him so.

And being with Itsuki felt so right, how could it be unnatural?

But the fear of speaking up was too much, even at the age of 17. He still felt like that desperate child, afraid of saying or doing anything wrong.

And yet, he knows he has to speak up. If not for him, then for Itsuki.

“I’ll do it. I’ll date her. On one condition.” Gakuhou’s voice shakes as he speaks up to his parents. “You don’t tell anyone about Itsuki. Don’t tell his parents about him being with me—I—“

He looks at his mother’s unconvinced face.

And clenches his fist.

“It’s my fault. I forced him to be with me in the first place. I manipulated him. You’re right, I ruin everything.”

“That’s right.” His mother snarls, “You’re the disordered one. Such a horrible child—“

His mother goes on insulting him, but that’s a confirmation for him.

They’ll keep it a secret as long as he dates the girl.

————————————  
The girl is named Emeline, and when she walks in he understands what his father means. She’s lean with short dark hair and sharp blue eyes that remind him too much of Itsuki.

But in her tight black dress and high heels, she is stunning.

And yet.

He still feels nothing for her.

“Be nice.” His mother tells him, as Emeline approaches.

Gakuhou feels his body tense at those two words.

But he smiles. Shakes Emeline’s hand. Introduces himself, plays the charming role he needs to.

At the end of the day, they’re dating.

Emeline is actually interesting. She’s nice, but also very clever. She goes to their school as well, and actually is a transfer student from the US.

She’s definitely charming, but something about her seems fake.

And everything about her puts him on edge.

———————————-

Itsuki and him still meet up in secret, at least at first. Their relationship has always been secretive, and despite feeling guilt for going behind Emeline’s back, he longs for Itsuki’s kind touches.

“Just wait until we graduate. Then you don’t have to date her anymore.” Itsuki promises him. Gakuhou has a bad feeling about this though.

That afternoon, when he meets up with Emeline, she looks a bit off.

“Do you like me, Gakuhou?” She asks, her voice small and pathetic. He feels guilty immediately.

But a small part of him feels like she’s doing it on purpose.

“I—“ Gakuhou stumbles. He doesn’t want to lead her on, but his parents are expecting this from him. He’s scared, “Not yet, but I’m willing to work on it—“

She looks up, her eyes filled with anger.

Gakuhou startles.

“You don’t like me yet? You’re willing to work on it? Well you aren’t trying hard enough, are you?” 

“What do you mean.” His body is tense.

“If you were really trying then you would stop kissing boys behind my back.”

Gakuhou feels like he’s drowning. His head is filled with static, and his limbs are heavy.

She knows.

She can tell his parents.

He can’t have Itsuki get hurt from this.

“I’ll stop. I’ll do whatever you want. Please don’t tell anyone.” Gakuhou pleads.

Emeline smiles. 

“Really? You‘ll do anything?” 

That was the first warning sign.

He should have stopped there.

But he just nodded his head.

Because he was nice. He’d do anything for anyone.

His fatal flaw.

———————————

At first, all she wanted to do was kiss. The entire time they were kissing, he felt like he was suffocating.

He was always left crying after she left, though he didn’t know why.

She wasn’t like Itsuki, who asked Gakuhou if he was okay with everything before he touched him. Itsuki and him always held each other’s hands gently.

Emeline clamps her hand over his so hard it leaves bruises.

But she’s a girl. She’s the same height as him, but she’s thin and feminine. She shouldn’t be able to leave marks on him this easily.

It must be Gakuhou’s weakness. He’s never had much muscle on him despite all his sports training. He probably isn’t much heavier than she is. And his skin is pale and delicate.

It’s just his fault for being this weak, as his father always reminds him after lashing him.

Emeline wants so much time from him. She doesn’t let him hang out with his friends on the weekends or give him any time after school to talk with others. Even at lunch, she forces him to sit with her, and her only.

Even at some of his sports practices, she shoes up and works out with him.

She’s not too bad of a company, Gakuhou has to admit. She talks about her passions and likes getting into discussions just as much as Gakuhou does.

Well, she likes getting into discussions as long as he lets her win any debates that come out of them.

He doesn’t mind her being controlling though. His mother is like that too. Doesn’t mind the way she snaps at him to keep his mouth shut and keep his opinions to himself. 

He’s used to that kind of treatment from his parents.

The more time goes on, the more he starts to actually be alright with the situation.

Emeline is familiar. He knows how to play on her terms—how to avoid her wrath and what to say to please her.

She lets him do as many extracurriculars as he wants, and tutor everyone who asks. She doesn’t tell him it’s ok to not get a perfect score on a test, she’ll just tell him that he’s stupid and to study harder.

Itsuki wasn’t like that. Itsuki always asked him if he really wanted to tutor that student, did he really want to sacrifice his sleep schedule for playing a sport he didn’t like.

Itsuki told him that getting an occasional A minus is alright, that he shouldn’t stay up all night studying till the point where he passes out after a test.

Emiline reminds him of that. She says Itsuki was holding him back the whole time.

Gakuhou has to try harder than everyone else to be nice, but Itsuki couldn’t see that. Gakuhou doesn’t entirely agree with Emeline on Itsuki, but does admit he only made things worse for Itsuki.

He made Itsuki worry so much.

Itsuki was the one who had to calm him down from a breakdown after he got an A minus on a test back in middle school. Itsuki had to catch him when he passed out from exhaustion.

It wasn’t right for him to dump all of his issues on Itsuki. 

So Emeline is right for him.

She treats him the way he deserves to be treated.

He can finally understand that now.

(Emeline reminds him of this several times before he agrees. She keeps repeating it, over and over again for months. Hearing something like that so many times tends to make you believe it.)

Itsuki catches up to him one day and begs him to talk to him.

It was one of the few times Emeline wasn’t there after school with him.

He drags Itsuki to the bathroom. The only place Emeline can’t find them.

“You look like hell, Gakushuu.” Gakuhou winces at his old nickname. He hasn’t heard it in a long time.

Itsuki reaches for his wrists, flipping them over before Gakuhou can stop him. Itsuki looks grim at the bruises he finds, but not surprised.

“You need to leave Emeline,” Itsuki looks at him in the eyes. That shade of blue that he’s missed so much.

“I can’t. She’s not that bad. I—I actually like her.” Gakuhou says, his voice tight.

“Gakuhou...what about me? Didn’t you like me?” 

Gakuhou’s eyes go wide, “Of course, I like you. But I can’t be around you. She’s going to tell your parents and everyone about us if I leave her for you—“

“I’m fine with that.” Itsuki says quietly. So quiet he almost doesn’t hear it.

Gakuhou freezes. “No, you shouldn’t be fine with that.“

“I am. I care about you more than my reputation.”

No. He can’t do that. 

Gakuhou stumbles back.

“No. I like her—she likes me. She’s been talking about marriage and—“

“Gakuhou what the fuck? Marriage? You’ve been dating for 6 months. You’re not even 18 year. You’re gay. You don’t even like girls. Do you enjoy kissing her?” Itsuki takes a step forwards, “Because every time she kisses you in public without your permission, you look like you’re about to cry.”

Gakuhou shakes his head, “It doesn’t matter, it’s fine. There’s a lot of benefits to this too. My mom doesn’t yell at me as much now that Emeline is around more.“

Teardrops well up in sapphire eyes. There’s a painful silence for several moments, with nothing but the beating of their hearts and the ragged breathing of their lungs.

“I love you, Gakuhou.” Itsuki whispers.

Gakuhou’s breath catches. 

The entire world feels like nothing but a grey blur, with only Itsuki and him in the center of it.

He feels his eyes sting as well.

“I love you, Itsuki.” Gakuhou finds himself replying, his chest aching, “But I’m not good for you. I’ll be alright, since Emiline is perfect for someone like me. But you—You’re bright. You’re beautiful. You’ll find someone better than me. I’m sure.”

Then he turns away.

When he hears a heartbroken sob, he has to wipe away a tear himself.

He did what he had to do.

————————————-

That night, Emeline asks for something different. She comes over to his house to sleep over.

She’s never slept over before. All of Gakuhou’s friends never have girls over when they’re parents are home. They say their parents don’t let them.

But Gakuhou’s parents are ecstatic. They would be, since they desperately want to straighten him out.

Gakuhou is a bit unsure, but he doubts Emeline wants to have sex or anything. They are 17, after all. Maybe she wants them to lie next to each other and hold hands?

Yeah, he wishes. He knows Emeline doesn’t like that sort of stuff.

So he’s scared as Emeline pins him to the bed and starts kissing him.

He’s terrified as she puts her hand under his shirt.

And when her hand reaches below his waist, he panics and pushes her off.

His breathing is ragged, and he feels tears sting his eyes.

“What the hell was that Gakuhou? Why did you push me off?”

Gakuhou doesn’t answer. He doesn’t know quite why he pushed her off.

She reaches for him again, this time straddling him, pinning his arms down so he can’t move.

Then she pulls down his pants and underwear, and he can’t breath. He can’t speak, and can’t move.

He was saving this for someone else.

That’s when he realizes.

He was saving this for Itsuki, if they ever got around to doing it when they were older.

That thought pushes him into action.

He headbutts her, forcing her off of him.

He grabs his phone, and runs out of the door. His parents yell at him when he gets downstairs but he ignores them, as he throws on his shoes and a coat before heading out. He doesn’t know where he’s going, but he can’t be trapped here any longer. 

His head is slightly dizzy, and he’s still not breathing right.

He wants Itsuki.

He needs to hear his voice.

Gakuhou opens his phone and finds Itsuki’s number.

While it’s ringing, he feels horribly guilty. He just told Itsuki to move on from him, he can’t come crawling back to him now.

But he feels sick, and just can’t help it. 

“Gakushuu?” Itsuki’s voice is raw. 

“Itsuka.” Gakuhou gasps out, “Are you alright?”

“That doesn’t matter right now. But you’re breathing too fast. What’s wrong? You wouldn’t call if it weren’t an emergency.”

“No, it’s not an emergency. It was silly, I shouldn’t have bothered you—“

“Tell me, Gakuhou. What’s wrong?”

“Emeline wants me to have sex with her. And she tried to make me but I stopped her and I don’t know how to make myself do it. I was saving it for you even though I know we can’t be together—” he speaks too much, too fast.

He hears something fall in the background.

“Hold on. She tried to rape you?”

Gakuhou hesitates. “No, not rape—”

Itsuki cuts him off, “Where are you right now? Are you safe?”

“I’m outside. By the park near my house.”

“Fuck. That’s a while away from me. I’ll be there in like 15 minutes, just hold on.”

“You don’t have to come over, Itsuki, I’m fine.”

“Just let me help you Gakushuu. Just this one last time.” 

Gakuhou squeezes his eyes shut.

“Alright. Just this one last time.”

——————————————

It really was the last time.

Gakuhou laughs hysterically when he sees the news. And then he cries, sobbing into his coat in the middle of the winter in the empty park. It’s so cold he can barely move his fingers as he turns off his phone.

The accident occurred 10 minutes away from here. Gakuhou didn’t make it in time to see the body, but he managed to catch a glimpse of the blood staining the street. 

A distracted pedestrian didn’t see the truck before crossing the street. 

That was the official story.

But he knows what actually happened.

Itsuki was coming over to help him.

Itsuki was distressed because of what happened to Gakuhou.

It was his fault.

Just like his parents say.

Just like Emeline says. 

When he gets home, he adds more cuts to his arms. Most of them are shallow, but the last one, he carves it in deep. The letter “I” for Itsuki.

It’s deep, deeper than anything he’s ever cut before. Blood drips from his wrists, so much blood.

Like blood splattered on the street, staining it forever.

He loses consciousness at some point and awakens in the hospital.

The doctors tell him he’ll have a permanent scar for that one cut. A deep one that will never go away.

He fakes disappointment and regret, but secretly Gakuhou is glad. 

After all, he never wants to forget.

————————————

A week later, Emeline decides he’s had enough time to grieve, and pins him down and puts her hands where they shouldn’t go.

This time, Gakuhou holds back his shouts, forces himself to be still. He still begs, pleads for her to stop, but doesn’t move. 

He’s 17 years old when he’s raped.

This is his third and last warning.

He really should have heeded it.

————————————

Emeline gets pregnant.

They’re still 17–well, Emeline turned 18 a month ago, but they’re still literal teenagers.

Gakuhou knew, ever since he was a child, that he was not going to be a father. He is not capable of that, and never will be.

“Do you want to get an abortion? Or give them up for adoption?” Gakuhou asks Emeline.

Emeline smiles, “No, you’re going to get married with me and then we’ll raise it together. We better hurry with the marriage though. We’ve only got a few weeks before my baby bump starts to show, and I want to have a flat stomach to fit into my wedding dress.”

“Marriage? Already?” Gakuhou feels the weight of the worlds crashing down on him. “But what about college?” 

“We can go to Harvard and still look after a child. We just need to find a nursery. It’ll be fine.”

“We need to be there for the child if we have one, when they get older. We can’t just leave them at a nursery past any more than 2 or 3 years old, right?”

“Then do the advanced course. You can get a degree in two years. By the time our baby is one, you’ll have gotten your degree and you can start working.”

This whole conversation makes his head spin, and he can feel himself ready for a breakdown.

“Can we please give the baby up for adoption? I don’t think either of us are going to be good parents—“

Smack!

Gakuhou stumbles back, holding his eye. It radiates with pain throughout his skull.

Emeline towers over him, smiling.

“You think I’m going to be a bad parent? Is that what you just said?”

Gakuhou stares. He doesn’t understand what just happened. Emeline is smiling so innocently, her voice gentle.

But his eye hurts and he’s certain she just punched him.

And she’s talking like it didn’t just happen.

Like he’s not curled into himself clutching onto his head.

He feels very confused for a long moment.

Did he imagine it? Is he overreacting?

(Years later, looking back, he will remember that this incident is classic gaslighting)

“No, it’s...you’re right, you’ll be a great parent.” He lies through his teeth.

Emeline smiles.

“Great! I’m going to tell everyone the good news! What color wedding outfit should we get? White is pretty lame. Do you want to do black? Or blue would match my eyes—“

Gakuhou squeezes his eyes shut. 

How in the world has he come to this?

——————————————

Their wedding happens in 6 weeks. It’s the week after they graduate from highschool. Gakuhou has just turned 18.

He’s an adult now, and yet, he feels so young in his wedding suit that Emeline picked out for him. It fits him perfectly, with a pastel blue color scheme and black accents. He would have preferred lavender and cream. That was the color he’d always dreamed of him and Itsuki having.

But he needed to forget about that. 

There’s no room for him to be some pathetic romantic. He has to go to college, has a kid to look after, and has to face the real world.

Itsuki is dead.

He turns away from the mirror to walk down the aisle.

Emeline walks in with her long, draping pastel blue dress with black ribbons. She’s beautiful.

Together, he’s sure they make a stunning couple. They invited several of their friends from school. But only the ones Emeline approved of, so most of Gakuhou’s closest friends aren’t here.

That’s alright with him.

His father walks him down the altar, and Gakuhou has to resist the urge to run.

“You did good, son. I was worried for a bit there. Now that your little friend is dead, you’ve turned out to be quite the man.”

Gakuhou goes still.

His father pulls him forward roughly.

Gakuhou blinks away the tears.

When they finally kiss, Gakuhou lets the tears fall.

He lets everyone think they are tears of happiness.

———————————————-

And then, they’re leaving for Harvard. Gakuhou packs his bags and is waiting on the doorstep for Emeline to come over.

His parents decide to use this time for one last lecture.

“We did everything for you. Every one of your successes is because of us. We’re your parents, and while you may think the way we raised you is wrong, it’s the only reason you haven’t turned out any worse than you already are.” His father says calmly, as he holds onto Gakuhou’s shoulder in a painful grip. 

Gakuhou reminds himself this is the last time he has to see this house. The last time he has to face them. 

“Yeah, you ungrateful brat.” His mother grabs him by the hair, jerking his head back. Gakuhou’s scalp screams in pain, but he keeps his blank smile plastered on his face, “One day you’ll have kids of your own, and you’ll understand.”

“I don’t want to understand. I’m not like you.” Gakuhou speaks blandly. But the fear pounding through him is real. He won’t end up like them. He won’t hurt people.

“Oh, you are, boy. You’re not a good person, you destroy everything you touch. You ruin everything and everyone. I wish I drowned you in the bath all those years ago.”

Then Emeline arrives, and Gakuhou finally leaves.

His mother speaks the last words he’ll hear from her in years.

“Be nice, Gakuhou.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve written a lot more to this fanfic than this chapter, but some of it may give you spoilers to the previous work, so I’m not going to post the rest of this fic until the main story’s events catch up. 
> 
> But hopefully, I’ll be able to get there within a month or so, so for now, enjoy!

They have 6 months left until the baby is expected, and Gakuhou makes sure to enjoy that one semester of college the best he can.

Being in the US is strange. 

For starters, it’s so bright. So commercial.

He is already nearly fluent English already thanks to conversing with Emeline in her native language, so he’s already popular at Harvard.

These few months are nice. Emeline takes him around Cambridge and they check out tourist attractions. She introduces him to the new culture.

In some ways, college is similar to highschool. Lots of pressure and stress, but Gakuhou stays on top of it the way he always has. He makes plenty of new friends.

And as usual, the toxicity is the same. Some people want to use him.

But that’s where he decides to change.

He remembers everything Itsuki told him over the years. How he told him not to tutor every single person who asked him, not to play every single sport.

So he puts his foot down. Turns down the people who want him to tutor him. Reminds them that he has a wife and child coming along, and he’s trying to finish his degree in two years so he has extra work already.

Most people take it surprisingly well. He expected people to scream at him and shout when he said no, but he’s starting to realize that maybe that was just his parents. 

(And Emeline, but he won’t think of that. She’s his wife. She’s allowed to shout at him, right?)

Gakuhou chooses just one sport— cross country and sticks with it throughout the year. He’s always been a fast distance runner, and while he’s not the fastest on the team, he’s definitely not the slowest. 

And the most fascinating part of being in the US is the beginnings of the gay pride movement. 

People here can actually be open about their sexualities.

Well, sometimes, they get assaulted for it, but even that is better than his traditional little school in Japan, where gay relationships weren’t mentioned at all.

Gakuhou is hesitant to open up, but he finds himself being friends with a handful of queer men and women and tells them that he’s gay.

One boy, Matthew, points out what everyone else is thinking, “But don’t you have a wife? Aren’t you bisexual then?”

Gakuhou bites his lip, “No, I’m not attracted to women.” 

Willow looks at him sceptically, “Really? Then why is your wife pregnant?”

Gakuhou sighs, and tries to explain the complex situation, “My parents pushed me to date her after they found out about my boyfriend. They would have told his parents if I didn’t date Emeline. Then she forced me to have sex with her and then I married her because I had no other choice since she got pregnant.”

There is silence.

“She forced you to have sex with her? Isn’t that, like, rape?” Matthew speaks slowly, his tone hesitant.

“I could have stopped her if I really wanted.” Gakuhou says, defensively.

“But you were being blackmailed because you were trying to protect your boyfriend. That’s fucked up, Gakuhou.”

“Can’t you get a divorce?” Willow suggests.

Gakuhou shakes his head, “No. Definitely not. She’s pregnant with my son, I can’t leave him with her.”

He knows he’s not going to be a good parent, but Emeline would be an even worse one.

He forces a smile and changes the subject. But they clearly haven’t forgotten about it.

—————————————-

That night, at their little apartment nearby, Emeline is waiting for him with that twisted expression.

The one she gets when she’s angry.

He’s immediately on edge.

“Your friends came up to me today. Telling me to treat you better, and all that crap. Did you put them up to saying that?”

Gakuhou shakes his head, “Of course not, Emeline love. I wouldn’t—“

He sees the hit coming, but doesn’t dodge. It’s easier that way. He lets it crash into his jaw, sending shooting pain up through his teeth. He probably won’t be able to eat dinner today, he notes wryly.

Then she starts yelling and Gakuhou feels himself just check out a little bit. Lets the words wash over him, but not really listen to what she’s saying.

“—you aren’t listening to me, are you?”

And then her fist flies towards him again, but this time he catches her hand. He can’t let her hit him in the eye, it’s impossible to hide bruises around his eyes. 

She looks furious.

That night is not fun.

Needless to say, the next day at school, he makes it clear to his friends not to talk to his wife, ever again.  
—————————————

At this point, they know their baby is a male. 

“A boy!” Emeline gushes to her friends.

Gakuhou is tempted to remind her that they do not know what gender their baby identifies as, just that they have a male sex. But he has a feeling she’ll just get mad at him, so he stays silent.

When there’s only a few days left until the birth, they start clothes shopping, with all the money their parents are sending them for their first few years of college.

Gakuhou hates owing people money, but they really need it right now. He knows his mother will end up using it to control him though. 

Which is why he’s started investing. Since he’s getting degrees in both teaching and business, he’s had extra help at school with learning this new skill and perfecting it.

When the baby is born, it's on the cusp of a new year.

Pacing in the hospital room, Gakuhou gets a lot of good hearted pats on the back, especially from other fathers who’ve been through this before.

“Relax kid. It’ll be just fine. You look kind of young to be a parent though. Are you even an adult?”

The man scans his skinny body and lack of facial hair.

Gakuhou stands up straighter, “I’m 18.” He says indignantly.

“Hell, you’re just a kid yourself. Lemme give you some advice. Your parents probably aren’t that great if you’re stuck here alone as a teen parent. So however your parents raised you, raise your kid the opposite of that way.”

Then Gakuhou was called into the room, but the words of the man stick with him.

Raise your kid the opposite of that way. 

That. He could do.

———————————————-

Their son looks just like Gakuhou himself. He’s tiny, with bright lavender eyes and wisps of soft strawberry blonde hair.

When the nurse instructs him on how to hold the baby, Gakuhou pays very close attention. Then he asks her so many questions about the correct angle to hold him that she looks like she’s trying not to laugh.

“There’s no, umm exact angle that should be formed by your arms. You’re doing just fine though.” She says.

The nurse looks towards Emeline, asking if she wants to hold the baby.

She refuses.

The nurse stares at her awkwardly for a moment. She’s likely never had a mother refuse to hold her baby.

(This is the first red flag Gakuhou should not have let Emeline around his son.)

“It’s alright, I’ll keep holding him.” Gakuhou smiles reassuringly, and the nurse moves on.

“What are you two going to name him?” 

Gakuhou looks at Emeline. While he offered to help come up with names, Emeline insisted she had the perfect name already. Though she won’t tell him yet. A surprise, she says.

“Gakushuu.” Emeline looks right in his eyes, and smirks.

Gakuhou feels like he’s been punched. She knows about that nickname?

“Alright, that’s a wonderful name. Gakushuu Asano.” The nurse smiles, before finishing off the rest of the forms.

Gakuhou can’t breath. 

Gakushuu.

That name has too many memories, too much history. It’s cruel. Plain cruel for Emeline to do this.

“Why would you—that’s not—-please, Emeline, why are you doing this?” Gakuhou feels pathetic, holding the baby in his hands while struggling to breath.

He’s too young for this. He’s not ready for this.

“Just a reminder, that’s all. Of who you really should love. This is our family, Gakuhou. That boy you loved before is gone, you need to move on.” Emeline speaks so sweetly, with that innocent look in her eyes.

Gakuhou looks away. She has a point. He does need to move on.

But why would she prove this point like this? To do this to his son—to Gakushuu.

He feels a tear drip down his face and wipes it off. What’s he doing crying? The baby is the one who should be doing the crying. He forces a smile for his son.

“I’ll do my best to be a good father, little one.” Gakuhou promises. He just doesn’t think his best is enough though.

————————

They hire a nanny to look after Gakushuu, but during the nights, it’s always Gakuhou who has to look after him. He doesn’t mind it too much; Gakuhou has always been able to function on less sleep than most people.

But having Gakushu sleeping in the crib next to them means he constantly wakes up every time Emeline and him argue.

“Can we please take this outside?” Gakuhou asks, “Our son is sleeping.”

“Do I look like I care?” Emeline snaps.

When Gakuhou insists, she slaps him across the face, hard.

She uses the back of her knuckles, so it’s certainly going to leave a bruise. But he keeps going regardless.

“If you keep doing this, I’m going to move to the other room with our son until he’s old enough to sleep through the night alone.”

“You—you would do that?” Emeline’s voice goes high and her face goes all dejected. 

Once again, the quick switch between her angry snarl and sad expression makes his head spin.

The constant “Be nice” that screams in his head won’t let him leave her like this. 

“I don’t want to though. I want to stay with you. So can we please go to sleep?”

Emeline grabs the back of his head and pulls him in for a painful kiss.

“Fine, I will, If you give me what I want.”

Gakuhou resigns himself to another night of this. But she’s his wife. He’s expected to pleasure her.

It’s his duty.

He hopes Gakushuu doesn’t hear his muffled cries afterwards. 

——————————-

Everyone in the college cross-country team knows him. Especially with the closely knit family-like community they have within the team, they know him very well.

Which is why they notice his scars and ask him about them.

Especially the ones on his wrists.

It was rather easy to hide them during the start of the season, during the winter and cooler months, but now it’s started to heat up. Which means short sleeves.

Most of the cuts have healed, but some of the recent ones are still there, carved into pale skin for the world to see.

The ‘I’ shaped ones stand out a lot.

His coach talks to him at the end of one practice, and hushedly tells him to see a therapist.

Gakuhou books an appointment, before Emeline finds out.

The screaming match that followed was one of the worse ones ever.

“How dare you go against my back and talk to someone other than me about your problems?”

“Emeline, love. My coach told me to—“ his head hits the wall when she kicks him to the ground. He stays there, too terrified to move.

“I don’t care about your stupid coach. I’m your wife. You will listen to me.”

Gakuhou takes deep breaths. It’s alright. He’s fine. Emeline has a point. He should confide in her more.

It’s just...she’s seen his scars. Several times. And never had a problem with them other than muttering how ugly they were.

His teammates care for him. After that day they saw his scars, they all act extra nice towards him. Especially the upperclassmen who ruffle his hair and offer him help on investing. Others hug him after he wins a race and comfort him when he loses.

They all did that before anyways, but now, there’s something softer in the way they act towards him.

There is nothing soft about Emeline.

But she’s what he deserves, Gakuhou reminds himself.  
————————————  
Gakuhou is now 20, and Gakushuu is 2 years old. He’s a very cute toddler, but Gakuhou is sometimes at a loss as to how to treat him.

Emeline tends to ignore their son, so Gakuhou tries to take the nanny’s advice and play games with him, and read to him whenever he has the time. The nanny says he’s doing a good job, for someone so young and inexperienced with parenting.

But sometimes, just hearing the name Gakushuu makes him cringe.

He’s started calling him just “Shuu” since that doesn’t have as many bad memories attached to it.

Emeline got into another screaming match with him over that, but she couldn’t do anything about it, in the end. He just let her pummel him until he was bruised enough to satisfy her.

Right out of college, Gakuhou decides to pay back his parents for all the money they borrowed and more. His investing finally paid off, and his stock values are only rising.

He’s rich, essentially.

And all of his own doing.

He pays back every last yen they could have possibly spent on him as a child. His mother always complained about how much food he ate and how expensive raising him was. 

So this was his last, big, fuck you.

He doesn’t need them anymore, and they can’t hold anything over him any longer.  
——————————————-  
When he graduates from college, it’s a sad affair. Most of his friends aren’t on the advanced track he was, so they have another year or two to go. His cross country team cheers for him, and tells him to come back one day and run with them again.

Gakuhou finds himself trying not to cry.

Gakuhou and Emeline move back to Japan now that they’re done with education, and they both find jobs.

He doesn’t really need a job with how well his investing is going, but he’s always wanted to teach. His tutoring positions as a teen were always very difficult, but they were so worth it.

Teaching the next generation is a power so many people forget exists. They forget it’s magnitude. 

But it’s only because of his teachers that Gakuhou was able to get high enough grades to get out of Japan. It was because of his teachers that he managed to get good at investing.

Gakuhou will forever be grateful to all the teachers who have helped him, and he’ll pay it back this way.

He decides to start a small cram school up on a hill. It’s rather shabby, but the trees are wide, and perfect to climb and swing around on.

He has to get started with his preparation work soon, but for he hasn’t had a moment to just let loose and have fun in so long. 

So he grabs the tree branch and starts to climb all the way to the top. He looks out at the city beyond him. It’s been just over two years since he lost Itsuki. He really didn’t think he’d make it this far without him.

He closes his eyes and feels the wind blowing against his face. It almost feels like Itsuki’s gentle fingers running through his hair. 

He holds the memory close to him as he climbs down. He hasn’t thought about Itsuki in a while. The ache has started to fade, but the memories are stronger than ever.

“I know you’ll be a great teacher.” Itsuki told him once, after he’d expressed his passion for teaching. “A lot of teachers just want their students to be the best, but I’m sure you’ll teach them how to be nice too.”

So he starts the cram school with those words in mind. But he’s not expecting much. He doesn’t have much of a reputation. 

At first, all he gets are these three little 10 year olds. Mori, Nakai and Ikeda. 

He’s initially nervous about teaching them, but soon realizes that he just has to treat them the way he treats everyone else; with kindness.

He gets Nakai to open up about his passion for comics, the ones he often gets mocked for as being too nerdy. Gakuhou even incorporates examples of the comic panels into his lesson plan as well. Comics can be surprisingly educational if you pick out the right scenes.

He helps Mori balance her schoolwork with her extracurriculars she’s very fond of. She’s in love with figure skating, and it’s often hard for her to find time to study with all the time spent on the ice. Gakuhou is an expert of such things though, and helps her study more efficiently with a flexible study schedule.

And Ikeda...well, he’s something else entirely.

Gakuhou has instincts you can only perfect after years of living with a wife who likes to throw things at you. 

(Sometimes even a heavy dumbbell or a knife.After a few concussions and nicks to the head, he learnt. )

So he can feel the ruler coming towards him, and grabs it without even looking at it.

“Aww man. Why do you have to be so superhuman?”

Gakuhou smiles brightly at Ikeda, “You’ve had your one attempt for the day, now you need to follow your end of the deal Ikeda. Why won’t you take a seat?”

Ikeda grumbles but takes his seat. Ikeda is actually very clever, if only he concentrates enough to apply himself.

He’s a very enthusiastic child, just not one who cared about studying. That is normal, however. Gakuhou is determined to help him find his own motivations, though that might take time.

When Ikeda throws a basketball at Nakai and makes fun of him for being bad at basketball, Gakuhou feels a bit of anxiety stem up in him.

(In his household, that kind of behavior would warrant a whipping and a long scolding session.)

But Gakuhou takes a deep breath. Be nice. These kids need compassion. Even Ikeda. 

So he forces himself to smile, to challenge Nakai to a basketball match. Shows him rather than tells him that different people have different skill sets. 

Ikeda apologizes to Nakai out of his own will.

Gakuhou didn’t even have to prompt him.

That moment opens his eyes to a lot of things. Kids really do respond well to compassion.

Gakuhou watches as the days fly by, and his three students actually become nicer. Kinder. They care a lot more, about the future, themselves, and others.

They’re growing up before his eyes.

Just like his son, Gakushuu.

Gakuhou brings in his toddler to class every weekend, when the daycare is closed. His students get excited every time he brings him over. It does distract from their studies, but Gakuhou allows it. They deserve to have a break on the weekends at least a little.

Gakushuu is very bright, at the age of 2 and a half, he can now speak small sentences and is very active. It’s certainly different, but Gakuhou thinks he’s not doing too bad with looking after him.

(A part of Gakuhou is terrified the older Gakushuu gets. As his son gets older and more rebellious, Emeline is getting more and more hostile around him.)


End file.
